There is so much tension behind the song “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I’ve always loved the moment when the drums kick in and Amy Lee’s voice pierces deep into my soul.
Evanescence formed in 1995 in Little Rock, Arkansas, by lead singer Lee and guitarist Ben Moody. Their story began in the summer of 1994 when they met at camp. She was 13 and he was 14 and a friendship was formed, quickly a creative partnership to make music.
Lee and Moody spent hours together at Lee’s parents’ home in Little Rock. “That’s all they ever did; they never left the house,” said Lee’s father John. “One day I said, ‘Look, you guys are getting nowhere with this. You’ve got to learn some Skynyrd, you’ve got to learn some Eric Clapton, and you’ve got to learn some Bob Seger, and you’ve got to get out there and play some weddings and make some money. And they looked at me and they went, ‘Dad, this is art’… They looked at me like I was a total idiot.”
“It’s funny because the way our band was wasn’t like a band, it was like a duo thing – we were recording artists first, which is weird and backward,” stated Lee. “It wasn’t like we were out playing gigs, we were just finding ways to create and record music, however. So I remember having a 16-track recorder and bouncing down tracks, and learning all that stuff when Ben [Moody] and I were young teenagers.”
“Ben then came over to my house, I guess I was in high school, with a dictionary, and he was like, OK, we’ve got to get a name. And we actually really did look in the dictionary, and we wanted a word that was kind of unusual. Obviously, I don’t think most people have heard the word Evanescence, though it is an English word. It means to dissipate, like vapour, sort of like to disappear. We wanted something unusual and kind of mysterious like that, because we have just as hard a time describing our music and putting a label on it,” said Lee. “I think it’s just beautiful. Honestly, the name to me, just when it rings in my ears, is just sort of strange and beautiful, and I think that does describe our music.”
“The name for me, I was actually more of an advocate for it at first than Amy was. I had to actually convince her, because it was originally a different part of speech. It was the first word we mulled over was Evanescent, and it was after we changed it to Evanescence that she agreed to it,” recalled Moody. “So, I don’t know, I can’t tell you what it was, to be honest with you, it just sort of stuck. And I read the meaning, and I read the word, I loved the way it sounded, I loved the mental picture you got when you heard it. And it’s just something about it, it just hit me right off the bat, it stuck with me. And I wanted it from the first time I saw it, I was like, that’s it, that’s got to be it.”
By 1998, the duo had recorded demos in Moody’s apartment and Lee’s attic, resulting in the Evanescence EP, also known as the Exodus EP. Featuring seven songs and four outtakes, the EP included the first recording of “My Immortal,” a song that has followed the band since its inception.
On December 29, 1998, the band began working with Bigwig Enterprises to produce and distribute 100 CD-R copies of the Evanescence EP. Just a few days later, on January 2, 1999, the limited run sold out at a show at Vino’s Pizza Pub & Brewery.
In August 1999, Evanescence followed up and released a six-song “limited edition” CD called Sound Asleep that had a distribution run of 50 copies.
By December 1999, David Hodges, Moody’s friend and roommate, joined as keyboardist and co-writer.
“I think it’s safe to say that Evanescence is finally complete. The lineup is Amy Lee, Ben Moody (myself), and David Hodges. I don’t think it would ever work any other way,” stated Moody. “David is probably the only other person besides Amy that I could work with musically in this band. Amy and I have always been so protective of Evanescence because it is our baby, but things just seem to naturally work with David. He is an incredible pianist and vocalist, and brings a lot to the table as far as production is concerned. Not to mention the fact that his mom bakes brownies like once a day.”
A self-funded and self-released demo CD called Origins was released on November 4, 2000. This featured 11 songs, including “My Immortal,” “Whisper,” “Imaginary,” and “Where Will You Go.”
Origins had an initial pressing of 500 units, then increased to sell a total of 2,000 copies at local shows, mail order, and online through Bigwig for $15 each. Apart from building a fanbase, Origins was a path to gain attention from record labels.
“We spent about nine months making what we thought was our magnum opus and it turned out to be a demo CD… I feel like everybody’s story has some at least one super weird moment to it and ours is we make this demo CD,” said Hodges. “I mean, truly the whole thing was made by me and Ben in our living room, and Amy would come over after school to sing, and then he and I would stay up until 4:00 in the morning working on it, not knowing what we were doing at all, just following our own muse.”
“The release was heralded by massive airplay on KLEC ‘Lick’ 106.3 FM where the lead single ‘Whisper’ was the #1 requested new single for more than two weeks, bringing attention from labels and radio stations nationwide. Approximately 1,000 fans attended the CD release party and lined up to be the first to own the album,” stated a press release.
Evanescence decided to have the demo CD of Origins professionally mastered.
“The closest like proper studio was a studio called Arden in Memphis that was two hours away and there was a guy mastering records there and there was a guy named Brad Blackwood… so we drove one Saturday afternoon… so we give him the CD and he said give me two or three hours you guys go get lunch or whatever and then come back at two o’clock.”
“This is the magic moment that Ben and Amy and I could have never planned on, could have never anticipated. While we were gone, there was a band in the studio called Dust for Life, and they were signed to Wind-Up Records. Wind-Up Records started with Creed, Creed sold 30 million copies, and so they had a lot of money to spend on a lot of bands. One of the bands they signed was this band called Dust for Life. The lead singer, named Chris Gavin, had two bottles of water that morning and had to pee, and the bathroom was on the other side of the mastering room. Brad happened to have the door open to the mastering room and happened to have music playing when Chris walked by, and in the second and a half that he walked by, he heard something that caught his ear. He poked his head in the room and said, ‘Hey, what’s this?’ And Brad said, ‘Oh, these kids from Little Rock have a record, an independent record that I’m mastering.’ He’s like, ‘Oh, is it any good?’ ‘It’s like, yeah, it’s kind of cool.’ And he asked for a copy of it, and three months later we were signed to Wind-Up Records,” recalled Hodges.
Evanescence’s contract with Bigwig Enterprises ended in 2001 when the band signed with New York-based label Wind-Up Records, which was distributed by BMG, in February 2001.
“Evanescence chose that label for its commitment to artistic freedom and support after fielding offers from many major record labels. The group has already begun recording their first work for the label. Initial pre-production was done at the prestigious Ardent Studios in Memphis with producer Pete Matthews and the recording will take place in Los Angeles. The album is tentatively set for an early 2003 release,” said a press release by Bigwig.
“I was hanging out with a producer friend in my office. We listened to music for seven hours that day. At one point, he told me he wanted me to listen to a band he had been working with on some demos. When I heard ‘My Immortal,’ I knew it was a hit,” said Diana Meltzer, head of A&R at Wind-Up Records.
“We relocated them from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Los Angeles, enrolled them in a gym, got them a rehearsal space and an apartment, and arranged for acting, vocal, and movement classes for Amy,” recalled Meltzer. “We remained patient throughout, and after nearly two years we brought in Dave Fortman to produce the record.”
The first official singles by Evanescence were “Bring Me to Life” and “My Immortal,” on February 4, 2003 as they were included on the soundtrack for the Ben Affleck movie “Daredevil”. Wind-Up was the record label responsible for compiling and releasing the soundtrack. This helped the band gain early radio airplay and reach a global audience.
“I knew that a ballad had little chance of being programmed on rock radio, but I felt that it was an amazing song that would show the range of the band. It seemed ideal for a soundtrack and, when we acquired the rights to the motion picture ‘Daredevil’, the track found a home. Now that Evanescence have broken as big as they have, ‘My Immortal’ may still emerge as a future single down the road,” said Meltzer in a July 7th, 2003 interview.
A month after the Daredevil release, on Tuesday, March 4, 2003, the band officially launched its debut studio album “Fallen,” and the world cracked open.
The first single, “Bring Me to Life,” was released on April 22, 2003, followed by “Going Under” on September 9, and “My Immortal” as the third single on December 8, 2003.
The songwriters for “My Immortal” are Moody, Lee, and Hodges, each contributing in distinct ways. Moody wrote the lyrics and initial piano arrangement in 1996. Lee later added her vocals, which gave the song its deep emotional depth. Hodges contributed through his work on the arrangements.
Lyrically, Moody said that “My Immortal” tells a fictional story of “a spirit staying with you after its death and haunting you until you actually wish that the spirit were gone because it won’t leave you alone.”
Lyrically: My Immortal
“My Immortal” is a song that should not be started halfway. The emotional buildup and anticipation are needed for the full experience. It’s dark, lingers, and is ever-present.
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
The opening lyrics express deep emotional struggle where someone feels trapped by the ongoing presence of someone or something from their past. Perhaps both. Despite wanting to move on, they are unable to escape overwhelming memories.
The slow progression continues with the awareness of past trauma that refuses to heal, expressed in the lyrics: “These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real / There’s just too much that time cannot erase.”
When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
Continuing the slow burn, these lyrics show a devotion through all sorts of challenging times. Despite being connected, the ability to fully move on is limiting, still holding the memories with “you still have all of me.”
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These lyrics raise questions as to the characters at play in the storyline and what made it so traumatizing.
A 2002 GoFundMe created by Moody revealed, “After surviving a lifetime of sexual physical and psychological abuse alongside decades of medical, abandonment and betrayal trauma. I always did everything I could to help the people in my life in need. I wanted to be the person for them that I had always wished and prayed for in my times of need. I also wanted to make sure my children never endured the tragedies of my childhood.”
Perhaps this is an insight into the genesis of the story within “My Immortal”?
The repeating chorus continues to emphasize the pain and emotional connection, just now elevated musically accompanied with Lee’s voice preparing for the arc of the song, with “I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone / But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along.”
These lines express the struggle of letting go of someone who still feels present, despite being physically gone. The line “I’ve been alone all along” suggests a deep sense of loneliness, showing how emotional wounds can linger.
The song ends with the chorus with the final words being “You still have all of me ah, me ah, me ah.”
Meaning, the lingering memories are ever present.
The original version of “My Immortal” contained different lyrics that were later changed for the Fallen album release. After “Suppressed by all my childish fears” came two more lines: “I would give every breath from my chest / To give you all the things that my mind could bear.”
And, instead of “I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone, but though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along,” the lyrics were originally “I love to walk away by myself out of the rain, but I can’t leave without you. I love to live without the constant fear and endless doubt, but I can’t live without you.”
“My Immortal” by Evanescence reached number 7 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. The song has been used in film and television shows, such as the movie Daredevil (2003) and shows like The Vampire Diaries.
Evanescence’s Fallen debuted at number 7 on the Billboard 200 with 141,000 first-week sales, peaked at number 3, and spent 106 weeks on the chart. Selling over 17 million copies worldwide, it earned five Grammy nominations in 2004 and won Best New Artist and Best Hard Rock Performance.
“The first week that album came out, it sold something like a hundred and seventy thousand units, and it stayed in the top ten for I think like a year and a half, or maybe even longer,” stated Hodges. “Almost two solid years we had been living in the same place together, all three of us, and again the Oakwoods is just weird. I bumped into the A&R guy for our record a year and a half or so after the album came out and had been successful and things were going well, and he admitted to me, he was like, ‘Yeah, when we met you guys, you were three really young kids from Arkansas. When you left that first meeting, I was talking to the head of the label and we said, I think we should sign these kids, but I think we should make the A&R process of this record as miserable and as hard as possible on them because we think we’ll get better art from it.’ These were words out of his mouth that he said to me.”
Hodges departed the band in 2002, just before “Fallen” was released. Moody left Evanescence in 2003 due to creative and personal differences with Lee, with Moody favouring a more mainstream rock sound. Lee stated in an interview, “I think it shows the artistic clash between us where he wanted to pull the music into something commercial and I wanted to be more innovative and try something more artistic.”
In a Grammy interview, Lee reflected on singing “My Immortal,” saying, “That’s the one song I didn’t write the lyrics to. I helped a little bit, but they aren’t my words. Those are Ben’s words. I didn’t want to sing it, but also, I just felt like they didn’t mean a ton to me.”
